10 rights and wrongs for building healthy long-term relationships
- Do not make your point at the expense of others
No “tit for tat” or retaliation is appropriate however the other person goads you. To deliberately aim to “put down” someone, that is, to hurt, annoy or humiliate them and “score off” them just stores up negative baggage in your relationship. It also denies them a right to be treated with respect that you would want to insist on for yourself.
- Do not collude
That is, pretending to go along with, or agree with something when you don’t, or by your inaction appear to be supporting someone or something you really disagree with. This will be the foundation of a lie between you.
- Do not threaten, complain or explain when making an important point
Make your request, statement of opinion, expression of feelings etc. simple and clear. Keep calm and pleasant. It is impossible to attempt a lengthy explanation or complaint without directly, or by implication, blaming and “putting down” the other person. If you have a sanction, make it part of your statement, (If you don’t do this, then I will ……) and be prepared to carry it out. (If you are not prepared to do this – it is only a nasty threat designed to hurt so don’t bother). MAKE NO APOLOGIES FOR HAVING YOUR POINT OF VIEW.
- Do not Piggy Bank
Do not let minor grievances pass without comment until you have a whole piggy bank full of them. One day it will burst making a huge issue – and no one will understand or support it. Deal with it NOW – or choose NOT to deal with it. If you choose NOT to deal with it, then leave it and move on and forget it.
- One issue at a time
Many conflict situations, and the feelings of the people in them, are complex and stressful. You cannot deal with all of these – or even some of these – at the same time. One issue at a time – if there is more than one issue, save it for another time.
- Do not use a steam hammer to crush a fly
Do not use overkill – do not threaten divorce for failure to pick up socks: fight at the appropriate weight. There will be other chances to influence changes.
- Do not psycholanalyse
There is hardly anything that really annoys people more than someone telling them what they are “really” thinking or what they are “really like” and what is “causing” their behaviour. Keep your analysis to yourself.
- Do not hit below the belt
By this is meant the point above which blows can be absorbed and made tolerable and fair, and below which blows are intolerable and therefore unfair. Another way of saying this is that there are certain areas about which a person is so sensitive that s/he cannot be expected to respond rationally when these areas are breached. The effect of hitting below the belt is to cause hurt and resentment and puts the relationship in danger. You will get strong verbal and non-verbal clues when you are in danger of hitting below the belt – you have no right to persist beyond this point.
9. Avoid Round Robin fights
If an argument degenerates into an exchange of insults or becomes repetitive and stale, it is obvious that no new information is being provided. Without new information conflict resolution is impossible. You should either WITHDRAW or be prepared to offer a workable compromise.
10.Allow yourself to be human
Don’t feel you have to take on the problems of the world. Don’t feel you HAVE to seek confrontation when you’re not “up” for it. Don’t feel you HAVE to be the one to deal with threatening situations. Feel you can make a choice. Be OK.